Conclusion

후기 

 

 

Today, the period in which I wrote these spiritual imperatives seems far away and long ago. 

 

Reading them now, eight years later, makes me aware of the radical changes I have undergone.

 

I have moved through anguish to freedom, through depression to peace, through despair to hope.

나는고통으로부터 자유로, 우울을 거쳐 평화로, 절망을 통해 희망으로 나아왔습니다.

It certainly was a time of purification for me.

그것은 나에게 분명히 정화의 기간이었습니다.

My heart, ever questioning my goodness, value, and worth, has become anchored in a deeper love and  

 내 선함과 중요성 그리고 진가조차 의심하던 내 가슴은, 더 깊은 사랑에 정착되었고

thus less dependent on the praise and blame of those around me.

이러므로서 나를 둘러싼 이들의 찬사와 비난에 덜 좌우되게 되었습니다.

It also has grown into a greater ability to give love without always expecting love in return.

내 가슴은 또한, 되돌려받을 사랑에 대한 기대 없이 사랑을 줄 수 있는 능력을 가지게 성장했습니다.

None of this happened suddenly.

이들 중 그 어떤 것도 갑자기 일어난 것은 없습니다.

 In truth, the weeks and months following my self-imposed exile were so difficult that

 I wondered at first if anything had changed at all. 

 

사실은, 이렇게 스스로가 택한 유배생활을 마친 뒤의 몇 주, 몇 달 간은 너무나도 힘이 들어,

도대체 뭔가가 바뀌긴 한 건지 자문하기도 했습니다.

I tiptoed around my community, always afraid of getting caught again in the old emotional traps.

또 나의 공동체 주변에서, 오래 묵은 감성의 덫에 다시 걸려들까 노심초사하며 조심스레 거닐었습니다.

 But gradually, hardly perceptibly, I discovered that I was no longer the person

 who had left the community in despair.

그러나 조금씩, 겨우 감지해나가며, 스스로가 절망 속에서

이 공동체를 떠났던 사람이 아니라는 것을 깨달았습니다.

 I discovered this not so much in myself but in those who, instead of being embarrassed by what

 

I had gone through, gave me their confidence and trust. 

내가 이것을 깨달은 것은 내 자신 속에서보다, 내가 겪은 일들을 거북하게 여기는 대신, 

내게 자신들의 자신감과 신뢰를 준 이들에게서였습니다.

Most of all, I found new confidence in myself through the gradual renewal of the friendship

that had triggered my anguish.

Never had I dared to believe that this broken relationship could be healed.

나는 이 깨어진 관계가 치유될 수 있으리라고는 믿은 적이 없었습니다.

But as I kept claiming for myself the truth of my freedom as a child of God,

그러나 내가 계속해서 하나님의 자녀로서의 자유라는 진실을 추구하는 사이,

endowed with an abundance of love, my obsessive need melted away and a true mutuality became possible.

풍부한 사랑을 받은 나의 강박적인 요구는 녹아 없어졌고, 진정한 상호관계가 가능해졌습니다.

This does not mean that there are no longer tensions or conflicts,

 

or that moments of desolation, fear, anger, jealousy, or resentment are completely absent.

 

 

There is hardly a day without some dark clouds drifting by.

 

But today I recognize them for what they are without putting my head in them!

 

I have also learned to catch the darkness early, not to alllow sadness to grow into depression or

 

let a sense of being rejected develop into a feeling of abandonment.

 

Even in the renewed and deepened frindship, I feel the freedom to point to the little clouds and ask for help in letting them pass by.

 

What once seemed such a curse has become a blessing. 

 

All the agony that threatened to destroy my life now seems like the fertile ground for greater trust,

 stronger hope, and deeper love.

 

I am not a young man anymore. Still, I may have quite a few years left to live. 

 

Can I live them gracefully and joyfully, continuing to profit from what I learned in my exile?

 

I certainly desire to do so.

 

During my months of anguish, I often wondered if God is real or just a product of my imagination.

 

I now know that while I felt completely abandoned, God didn’t leave me alone.

 

지금 나는 압니다. 내가 완전하게 버려졌다고 느낀 기간 동안에도 하나님은 나를 홀로 내버려 두지 않으셨음을.

 

Many friends and family members have died during the past eight years, and my own death is not so far away.

 

But I have heard the inner voice of love, deeper and stronger than ever.

 

I want to keep trusting in that voice and be led by it beyond the boundaries of my short life,

to where God is all in all.